Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
