my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
