this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
