So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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