yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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