I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
