His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
