Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
