You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
