sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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