My liver just broke up with me...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It's official drugs can't kill me
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
