last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
