We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
God I need to hump something, right now.
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