btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
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i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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