wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am