Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
We have started to decorate penises.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.