Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?