we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.