Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
