My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
