Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
