well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
