There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
