Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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