i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Bring me that man meat
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
