No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
