Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
