We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
