Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
