i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
