WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
