i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
