You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
