Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
