You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
