i think my mom watched the whole time
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
