It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
