Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
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And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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