I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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