I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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