Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
