Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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