My Higher Power is John Stamos
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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