i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
he just fucked me for my cheese.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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