On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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