Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
