as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
