My room smells like vodka and shame
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
