After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We talked him into tasing himself.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
