About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
