Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
