just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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