Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
