I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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