i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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