I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
