my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Randomize
