No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
