Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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