do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
