Where is the hickey?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
