I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
