Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
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I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
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So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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