Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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